Wordless Wednesday: Sister Love

First Day of Fall!

Welcome to Fall!  I thought it would be fun to create a list of crafts, recipes and activities I want to do with the family this fall.  Hope you enjoy!


{Crafts}


Fall Family Sign
Turkey Day Awards
Turkey Napkin Rings
Paper Bag Scarecrow
Stained Glass Leaves
Hand Print Tree
Autumn Wreath
Apple Prints

{Cooking} 


Pumpkin Butter
Applesauce
Cooked Apples
Apple Dumplings
Mummy Pizza
Harvest Caramel Corn
Pumpkin Pie Brownies
Roast Pumpkin Seeds



{Activities}


Pumpkin Patch!
Fall Fest
Carve/Decorate Pumpkins
Boo at the Zoo
Play in the Leaves!
What I'm Thankful For Leaves


I wasn't able to get as much on the list as I'd hoped, but maybe we'll add to it as we go :)

Slow Cooker Split Pea Soup with Curry Garlic Croutons

(I've decided there is no appetizing way to present split pea soup...)

Last week while walking through Sams I had an impulse buy of spinach artichoke dip... which of course needed bread and Sams only sells 2 loaves together.  We ate the whole tub of dip and an entire loaf of bread that day... yikes!  It was SO good.  I meant to use up that other loaf during the week but it never happened.  Then it got stale.  So today I decided to make croutons.

Then I had to decide - croutons with soup or salad?  Since Fancy Pants isn't feeling very well I decided soup.  I had some split peas to use and everything needed for split pea (except the sausage) so I threw some in the crockpot this morning.  I don't really use a specific recipe, but a mixture of recipes I've tried over the years.  I think it's safe to say I've developed my own recipe so I'm going to share it here, as well as how I ended up making the croutons, since I didn't follow a specific recipe for them either, just read a few and went off on my own, like usual.  We decided that we'd never buy croutons again... homemade were SO good!  Tony isn't big on food compliments, he will eat just about anything, he doesn't love food the way I do.  So when he continues to tell me over and over how good a meal is, I know he means it and I'd better make it again, and again!

Slow Cooker Split Pea Soup

1 pound of dried split peas

3 or 4 carrots, peeled, roughly chopped

3 stalks of celery, peeled, roughly chopped

1/2 onion, roughly chopped

2 potatoes, cubed

8 to 10 cups of water (I used 10, next time I'll use less, I would have liked it a little more thick)

2 Tablespoons Better than Bullion, or some type of bullion cubes, Better than Bullion is the best!!

4 cloves of garlic

bay leaf (I put in 3 small ones)

Curry Powder (How much depends on how spicy you like it and the strength of your powder.  Ours was mild so I put in 2 tablespoons and there still wasn't any heat to it, just a nice light flavor.)

Smoked Sausage (optional, I haven't been getting enough protein so I added some)

Homemade Curry Garlic Croutons (See below) OR Shredded Gouda cheese

Put the peas, carrots, celery, onions, potatoes, water, bullion, garlic and bay leaves into the crockpot and turn on low for the day, at least 6 hours I'd say.  Once peas are nice and soft remove the bay leaves and puree with an immersion blender.  (You could use a blender or food processor for this part but an immersion blender is the easiest way.  If you don't want to use any of those get a potato masher and mash it up well.)  Add the curry and smoked sausage (if using) and cook 1 more hour.  If you don't add the croutons, this is delicious with some shredded Gouda cheese on top!

Curry Garlic Croutons

Loaf of stale bread, cut into cubes

Stick of butter

Garlic (I used 4 cloves)

Curry Powder (I estimate I used about a tablespoon... it really depends on the strength of your curry powder.  Just dip your finger in it and taste it, if it's really spicy and you aren't a fan of spicy then use less!  Mine isn't spicy at all, unfortunately.  We love spicy!!)

Melt butter into a skillet (I used my cast iron).  Press garlic and add to melted butter.  Toss in your bread cubes and mix well until all are saturated with buttery garlic goodness.  

Sprinkle curry on top and keep mixing.  At this point you can taste a few and adjust your curry as needed (well, you can really only add more actually).  Toss the bread onto a baking stone or sheet (stones are always better!) and bake in the oven for 15 minutes or so at 350F.  I think I did mine a bit longer.  Check often to make sure you don't burn them.  I also mixed mine a few times.

Top your soup with your yummy croutons and ENJOY!

Preparing for Baby

Now that I am past that horrible morning sickness I've been trying to get the piles of stuff that have accumulated around the house sorted out.  Also, get the rooms reorganized and ready.  There's a lot I want to do before our sweet little girl makes her appearance (If you're not a fan on Facebook you may not have heard - It's a GIRL!!)


I think the first thing I need to do before I start is to make a list of everything I want to do.  Then make lists for the lists... 


I've also been trying to think of things to let go.  I really wanted to cloth diaper.  I think I am going to use some of what I have on hand, during our home time, but I'm not going to commit to it completely. I feel like it's just adding more stress thinking about it than it's worth.  Tony was very happy, haha!  


So here is my list, I'll be making sub-lists for each as I get to them!


1.  Stock the freezer - We were a new military family and knew no one when we had Mini Jedi, we also moved 3 weeks before he was born.  So we had no one bring us meals and I was not prepared at all, freezer wise.  With only 1 kid it wasn't a big deal, but now with 4 kids I want to be prepared!  


2.  Sewing.  I want to make a few things for the baby like a shopping cart cover, a nursing shawl, etc.  Not to mention cute up some plain white onsies I have on hand!  I love my Baby K'Tan and Moby Wrap, but I think I may sew a pouch sling too...they look much easier for an older baby to carry on your hip.


3.  Decluttering the house - I'm currently working on this.  We're having a yard sale in October and I plan on going through every room and closet before then.  I really am wishing we were minimalists!!


4.  Organize the baby stuff - kind of self explanatory, but since we aren't going to have a nursery I'm going to have to get creative with our space.


5.  Get the hospital bag together - this obviously doesn't need to happen for awhile.


What am I missing?  What was/is on your list for preparing for baby?

Snowflake Activity

I recently came across this cute little activity on Money Saving Mom, right about the time I decided our morning routine needed adjusting.  My girls are early risers.  I am as well, but not by choice!  I don't like Mini Jedi to wake up to everyone else sleeping, I like to be up, even though he doesn't need my help to get ready for school anymore!


I usually check my Facebook and drink my coffee.  However, about 5 minutes after I get up, both girls are usually awake.  And since they are morning people...ugh.  They're loud and crazy!  And I'm just not ready for it.  And I am grouchy.  And it sets the day off wrong.  So we're adjusting our routine and if the girls get up before 7:30 (They're usually up around 6:30) they can choose a quiet activity from our Quiet Basket and relax for awhile so mommy can wake up and we can have a happy morning :)


Here's the first activity I've made to put in the basket.  The link I found linked through a few different blogs to finally get to this pattern -

Snowflake Patterns

The girls and I ran to Hobby Lobby after I saw this activity and got some white felt with glitter flakes in it.  We got really lucky and it was 40% off this week.  I got 1/2 a yard of light blue felt for the boards and 2 sheets of the white glitter felt and all together they cost less than $3 to make!!


So once we got home I printed the shapes at 125% of the original size, I felt the patterns were a little too small (Smaller the shapes the easier to lose them!), then traced all the shapes onto the back side of the felt (so when you cut it out the marker isn't on the pretty side!).  Most shapes I made  6 for each board, except the hearts and large circles, I made 12 of those for each board.  (Plus a few extra of each shape in case the girls loose some!)  With this amount they will have enough to make any card.

I printed a set of patterns for each girl, cut them out, numbered the backs in separate colors for each set so they don't get mixed up, and laminated them.

I then set to work on the felt boards.  I had hoped to get to use my staple gun, I love that thing.  However, I had cut apart a Priority Mail box for the backing and it was too thin so I  used hot glue.  I think this was much more safe an option anyhow ;)  I made sure to glue the corners down to the back really well, otherwise one of my little darlings is likely to try to unwrap it like a present!

I also hot glued a little clip to the right hand side of each board so that the girls could clip their pattern, or the baggie that holds the shapes and patterns, to the board.

And there you have it - our first addition to our Quiet Basket!  I'll try to add some pictures of the girls using them later :)

Strong Enough

This song is my anthem lately... I know God gave us this family, especially my Fancy Pants, for a reason.  I was meant to be her mother.  I don't always understand or see in myself what He sees in me.  However, I do trust the Lord always knows what He's doing and through His mercy and strength we will see her through these tough times.

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

Fun Bonding Activity

This past week Fancy Pants and I attended therapy together for the first time.  I told her that she was coming with me about an hour and a half before we left.  That hour and a half was not fun, to say the least!  She was so full of anxiety.  It's so hard to get past her behavior sometimes and focus on releasing that anxiety.  I'm afraid I did not do a good job this particular day, I was pretty irritated with her behavior.

We went in and the doctor had us go into the play room and do an art project.  She gave us a long sheet of butcher paper and had me trace Fancy Pants body on it, then we were to decorate it with crayons, markers and glitter glue.  The doctor watched behind a window where Fancy Pants couldn't see her.  We got to work, I painted some fingernails on her with glitter glue, drew her eyes, etc.  I pretty  much let her tell me what she'd like me to do, after all this was her body we were making.  The doctor called me out for a second and said to start complimenting Fancy Pants features on the paper.  For example, "Oh, look at your pretty hands, your nails look so beautiful and sparkly", or "I love your eyes, they are so pretty!"  

If you've read my blog for awhile you know that giving Fancy Pants compliments is hard.  You really can't gush over anything she does, no matter how wonderful.  She seems to have a fairly high self esteem, on first glance, but like most things at first glance with Fancy Pants, it's very much a front.

This exercise was great!  It enabled me to compliment her indirectly, which has the same positive effect as complimenting her directly, without the negative effects.  Technically I was complimenting the paper, but the way she responded each time I did, I could tell they were taken personally and she was pleased.

In the end we sat with the doctor and she asked which our favorite parts were.  I said when I painted her nails and Fancy Pants face beamed... a genuine smile.  All her anxiety at this point was gone and we went on to have a fantastic evening.

I'm so thankful we've found this therapist who can facilitate these types of activities that I would never have thought of!  It was great to be able to gush over my little girl without it hurting her instead of helping.

I think this is one of those activities I never would have thought of but you don't need a therapist to facilitate it!  If you have a hurt child you may think about trying it! I'd love to hear how it went for you, if you do.

Balancing Children

I think every parent can agree that parenting multiple children is a balancing act.  Each child has specific needs and different personalities.  Having a child that has RAD makes this balancing act even harder.  The fact that she's the middle child doesn't help!


We decided to change our home around this past weekend.  We have 3 bedrooms and 2 living areas.  Our 2nd living area has been used as a bedroom for the 2 years we've lived in this house.  Now that we're not fostering we had been using the old foster room as Fancy Pants room, so she had a safe, bare, place when she was unregulated and violent.  


It hit us recently that we will have no room in the living area for any baby items, such as a swing, jumper, bouncy seat, etc.  Or even a Christmas tree, come the holidays.  Each of our 3 kids had a very large room to themselves.


We decided it may be time to reclaim the 2nd living area.  Even though it means putting the girls back in the same bedroom.  This can cause issue because we're unsure where to put Fancy Pants when she's melting down.  She can be quite out of control... it's not fun and not something many people outside our family have seen.  Often it's downright scary.  Every time it's extremely upsetting and leaves us feeling emotional and raw.


However, we have two other children who also have needs... we haven't eaten together as a family at a dining room table in over 2 years.  If we want to eat together as a family we have to go out to dinner.  There has been no room for a table.  We were ok with this because it meant we could foster and have room for foster children.


So we had to weigh the needs of each of our children and our family.  The needs of a RAD child are much louder than the needs of a non-RAD child (quite literally), so they often prevail.  It's not a bad thing, they're hurting and need healing.  It is a juggling act though, the needs of the other children and of the parents must count too.


We decided to go ahead and move the kids around so we can have the 2nd living area and finally a dining room.  I was very anxious about our decision but really felt it was the right thing... after we started painting I did second guess.  That is, until Mini Jedi came to me and said "I can't wait to have a table and eat as a family again, I am so excited!" even though this all means he got moved to the smallest room in the house, about half the size of his old room.


As hard as it is to make this move, knowing it is so important to my son makes it worth it.  And we'll make it work, whatever it takes.  If your parenting a hurt child, always remember to consider the needs of everyone in your family - that includes yourself!

Therapeutic Children's Books

As I was sorting through books in the girls new room I decided to put all the therapeutic books together so they were easily accessible at story time or when Fancy Pants is in an open mood.

The following are some of or favorites:

These books are great to reassure kids that your love will never end, no matter their behavior, something they fear daily -

• I love you, Stinky Face, by Lisa McCourt
• Just the Way You Are, by Marcus Pfister
• I Love You, A Rebus Poem, by Jean Marzollo
• The Runaway Bunny, by Margaret Wise Brown
• No Matter What, by Debi Gliori

Stories about how it's ok for families to be different - 

• God Found Us You, by Lisa Tawn Bergren
• Love is a Family, by Roma Downey

Stories about big feelings -

• Today I Feel Silly & Other Moods That Make My Day, by Jamie Lee Curtis
• Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst

Stories that deal with fear - most in different ways -

• The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn - deals with separation anxiety in children
• Little Monkey's One Safe Place, by Richard Edwards - A story about how a little monkey goes to find a safe place but the only safe place is in Mommy's arms.
• Just in Case - by Judith Viorst - This is great for kids who always feel like they need to be prepared for anything and how sometimes it's ok for you not to be ready.

And some miscelanious books we like -

• Ruby the Copycat, by Peggy Rathmann - Ruby tries to be just like others in class because she's afraid of rejection and doesn't know how to be herself.  RAD kids struggle with being themselves.  This is one of my favorite books.
• Will You Forgive Me? by Sally Grindley - how to handle letting someone down and how to ask for forgiveness
• Tell Me What It's Like to Be Big, by Joyce Dunbar - I like this one because our little RADlet worries so much about how to be an adult and how she doesn't know how to do adult things
• Kids Need to Be Safe, by Julie Nelson - this is a book for children in Foster Care, however it has been a good resource for Fancy Pants because it really stresses how important it is for children to be in a safe environment and how sometimes it's hard for biological families to keep kids safe.
• Hush Little Baby, by Sylvia Long - I just like this one because it gives a sense that mommy will meet your needs always, no matter what.
• The Wolf who Cried Boy, by Bob Hartman - A backwards version of The Boy who Cried Wolf, a lesson about lying and how it affects us.

I also have a book called Chester's Casa by Angela Shelf Medearis, which was given to me by the girls CASA worker.  I don't read it to them but if you have foster children in your home who have a CASA worker it is a great story.  The girls are a bit young for it and they no longer have CASA now that they are adopted.  I keep it on hand for when we foster again.

I'd love to hear your book suggestions to deal with the hard topics any kids face, not just hurt children.

I'd like to pray for you

I posted the second half of our testimony on our infertility a few minutes ago (or it should have posted, I've set it to go automatically).  I wanted to put this in a separate post because the other one was so long I didn't want this to get lost at the bottom.

I really believe once someone has received healing they are to share their miracle, if that makes sense.  I believe since God has healed us, I became pregnant, that I should be praying for others who are struggling with infertility. It's something I have great compassion for because I've gone through it.  I would never tell any woman I know how she feels, because I do think it's different for everyone.  What I do know is it's hard.  And it's emotional.  And very personal.  

If you are struggling with infertility I'd love to pray for you.  You can email me motheringinashoe at gmail dot com (replace the at and dot for the actual symbols!) or you can comment on this post and I will add you to my personal prayer list.  Our God can overcome anything and there is always hope, I truly believe this.

Overcoming Infertility: Part 2 (it's long, but worth the read!)

I started to write our testimony when we first found out we were pregnant.  I hadn't yet had any morning sickness and things were going very well with the foster kids and our kids.  I wanted to share our testimony and although I hadn't been able to post the 2nd part of our story due to life getting in the way, I haven't forgotten.

I glanced at the last post in May and I think I left off with our decision last September to add more to our family.  

One thing I want to stress through our testimony is that just because our girls were adopted does not mean they were ever substitute in any way for biological children.  Tony and I spoke of adoption before we even had Mini Jedi.  We both were in favor of it and hoped to one day.  We adore our girls and love them just as much as we love Mini Jedi.  So although I say we prayed for this for 11 1/2 years, and we did, the hole in my heart was not the same after we adopted the girls.  Adopting was difficult and I still did desire to have another baby, but not because I wanted a biological child.  It was mostly because I desired another child I knew from day 1 would be mine forever.  There were many sleepless nights wondering if we would get to be our girls parents.  Fancy Pants before she came to us, Baby Cakes after she came to us.  I love adoption, I love that every child in my family has a unique story of how I fell in love with them and how I became their mother.  Even our two biological children will have very different stories.  I love this about our family!!  I would never change it.

So last September we decided we were ready for more.  We didn't mind either way, adoption or getting pregnant.  However, it seemed like for adoption the odds kept stacking against us.  Since we'd adopted a baby before we were told we were at the bottom of the list for another baby.  I felt like my heart was completely crushed, hearing that.  I love babies and I really desired to start as early as possible with our next child.  It's hard that I missed so much of Fancy Pant's life.  Plus with the girls ages, 2 and 3, we wanted to add in birth order and a baby was the right age.

We had a sibling group placement that I fell in love with.  I really hoped we'd get to adopt them, but it wasn't in God's plan.  They left us in early December.

In the meantime we also decided to start infertility treatments.  I didn't tell many people and I didn't share it on the blog.  I did write a few blog posts I'd planned on publishing later, but I ended up deleting them.  We went through a round of Clomid in November and another in December.  Neither worked.  And it was terrible.  The side effects were awful and it was the smallest dose.   I didn't like it one bit, and neither did my family.  I wan't pleasant to be around.

At the beginning of 2011 our church had a conference to encourage us to start the year off right.  It was an amazing 4 nights.  The first I really felt like the Lord told me to STOP trying to get pregnant.  Completely.  I was devastated. I'd just lost the kids I wanted to adopt, now I had to stop trying to get pregnant.  But I decided that God's plan had been so amazing so far, I was going to do this and trust in him.  So the next day I rid the house of anything that had to do with infertility - books, tests, charts, etc.  I took most of the stuff to a friend who was trying and sold my books.

The second night I was angry and completely empty.  I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself, how could I stop wanting more kids?  I thought that was what God wanted - for me to not want anymore kids.  

The third night we had a guy who prayed for us and he spoke some words over most of the people.  I prayed he would say something to me about God's plan and that it would have anything to do with our infertility or adopting more.  Instead he said he saw me shouting prayers to Heaven as an intercessor.  That is NOT what I wanted to hear!  But I prayed and said "ok God, if this is what you want, this is what I'll do."  

A friend who had also adopted and suffered through infertility came up behind me and started to pray for us to overcome this.  I wanted to tell her to stop praying, that God had said I'm not supposed to try anymore.  But if she felt the Lord wanted her to pray for me I didn't want to interfere with her being obedient.  So I let her pray.  Her prayer really opened my heart back up and I felt the Lord speak to me, not that I was supposed to stop trying all together, but that He wanted me to stop trying anything other than putting my faith in Him.  No medicine, no doctors, no books, no special vitamins, etc.  Just God.  I was relieved, there was no way I could stop wanting more kids.  God has given me a mother's heart and I just can't help it.

So I put my faith in Him completely.  And I could tell the time was getting near that this would be done.  In April our women's ministry at church put on a conference.  My heart was still full of hope, but after so much time (not 4 months, 11 1/2 years) of 1 line on the pee stick month after month, it's hard to have complete faith.  One night at the conference I was broken before God, I cried out to Him about our infertility.  Our pastor's wife prayed for me and I really felt the Lord said "This is the month."

After 11 1/2 years... it's hard to believe that wasn't just my head and wishful thinking!  I was prayed for some more during the conference.  It's weird for me to go up when they talk about the barren womb.  I have given birth and I do have 3 children.  At one point they called up those with "barren wombs" to come be prayed for.  I hesitated... I feel so blessed I have children.  I know so many who have none and my heart aches for them and I felt a bit odd going up (well, raising my hands, I was already in the front).  Then from behind me ALL my friends shouted at me to raise my hands.  Now.  High!  (Have I ever mentioned how much I love my friends?)  So I did, up they went.

That month my prayers were different.  I didn't pray "Dear Lord, if it's in your will..."  I prayed "Lord!  You SAID you would give us the desires of our hearts.  My hearts desire is for another child and YOU gave me a mother's heart so I KNOW it is in your will for this!"  I was pretty demanding with God.  "You said ASK.  And I have BEEN asking!"  

I debated on whether or not to tell my friends that I thought God said this was the month.  Would they think I was the crazy infertile woman who now thinks she hears from God?  I decided to take a step of faith and tell them.  I told Tony too.  I think he was scared I'd be let down, yet again.  That poor man has held me while I've cried my broken heart out month after month for years.

The day came when I could take a test and it should be accurate.  It said negative.  I was crushed.  I text my friends "Guess I didn't hear God, but I still have faith, it will be soon!"  

But another week went by and I still wasn't not pregnant... I took a few more tests, nothing.  A friend and I went out of town to visit my mom for the weekend and I didn't feel well the Sunday when we were going home.  I took another test that night.  Nope.

Monday we got the twins placed with us.  Tuesday I had 1 test left and I thought I may as well just take it, it's sitting there and I was still going nuts.    Imagine my surprise when I saw a very faint 2nd line, ever so faint... I really wasn't sure I could even see it.  I really had no idea what to think - that hadn't happened in quite some time.... could I believe it? A friend happened to call right then and it was good because I was pretty much freaking out.  She brought me 2 more tests, one for that night, one for the morning.  I also went Wednesday and had a blood test done and sure enough - positive!

I know this is a long post but I don't want to cut a single bit of what God did out of our story.  People say "oh, you stopped trying" or "well, it happened because you adopted."  NO.  It happened because God planned for this child all along.  He knows every day of my child's life already.  This child is a miracle from God, no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.  God's hand was in this the whole way.  I can't wait to see what amazing things He has planned for not only this baby's life, but all my children.  They were each given to us by God for a reason.  He knew I would be their mom while they were being formed by Him in the womb.  I know He has amazing things planned for them and I can't wait to see what!

Thanks!

Just wanted to say a quick thanks to all those who replied to my post the other day, on the blog or privately.  I appreciate all your encouragement!!  And I'm glad that I'm not overwhelming you.  I think if I'm overwhelming anyone it's those closest to us.  I'm often overwhelmed myself and share too much with family and friends.

I'm glad I'm not overwhelming the readers though!  I did decide to try to limit RAD topics to once a week.  I'd like to keep the fun, crafty parts to the blog as the main focus.  We do have a lot of fun in our home, sometimes I wonder if anyone realizes that, how overwhelmed we have been lately!!!

Now that my morning sickness is finally gone and we have some great tools that are helping Fancy Pants, I hope to get the creative juices flowing once again!  My good sewing machine is in the repair shop and the house is a mess from moving rooms around (Watch for a post about that early next week) but soon I'll have time to sew and craft again!

The girls and I have started doing some homeschooling preschool activities.  They did great last week and I was very impressed that they learned their memory verse so quickly - it was long for a 3 and 4 year old!  Hoping to start blogging more about that as well...

So look for some more fun on the blog, we do have quite a bit of fun around here :)

Building our Parenting Toolbox

When we started doing Foster Care and when we adopted we heard a lot of people say that you have to build yourself a "toolbox" full of ideas and techniques for parenting hurt children.  Just as my husband's American tools don't work for his British Mini, not all tools in our parenting toolbox work for each child.  I know that Tony has come inside more than once, completely frustrated at a car we've had... he's got 50 different sized wrenches, however not a single one quite fits this bolt he has to loosen.  He thought he could use one that is just slightly too large, but he could not make it work, no matter how hard he tried.  Off to the store he goes to get that perfect size tool or he can't move forward.

Our kids have each been the same way.  We have these tools, tons of them.  We take classes, read books, etc.  We were foster parents for over 3 years, each year we were required to take 30 hours of parenting classes to keep our license.  I have over 30 college credits in Child Development classes alone.  Parenting our hurt children (all of them, every foster child, our adopted kids, etc.) takes many different tools, and we already had SO MANY.  For a long time we tried using the tools we had on hand for Fancy Pants.  They worked well for the other kids, we can make them work for her as well... or so we thought.

But just as Tony could not get the wrong size tools to work on whichever car he was working on (there have been as many cars as there have been kids!!) the tools we were using for Fancy Pants just would not work.

So we have some really great tools we've been using with Fancy Pants and some of them are a LOT of fun.  We've learned some great things about her, her true character, something we've struggled to find.  Here are some of the tools we've gathered in our toolbox just for her - 

• Old Musicals - She loves musicals!  We knew she liked to sing and dance but we've found she loves old movies, like Shirley Temple and Sound of Music (the first half anyway, the second was boring and over her head).  I catch her singing "Do Re Me Fa So La Ti!" all the time!  (She's only watched it twice!) We snuggle up close on the couch and watch them together.  I love to watch her face and her little foot start tapping to the music, something she's completely unaware of!
• 80's Music - Again, we always knew she loved music, however there is something about 80's music that can turn her mood around like nothing else we've tried (and we've tried almost EVERYTHING else).  This is a tough one though because we still have to address the issues behind her difficult moods, but once we've got her to a point where she's not openly defiant we can turn this on and within minutes she can not help but start moving her body.  It's absolutely adorable!  
• Lotion - Someone suggested putting lotion on each other, the same scent.  It took me awhile to find one that wasn't overpowering but actually had a scent.  I know once the baby comes I don't want an overpowering scent and I don't want to have to stop using this tool or change smells.  I found some vanilla oatmeal baby lotion (thanks to some friends) and we put it on each other's arms.  I wasn't sure how this would go over for her, but she loves it!  She asks me if we can put lotion on each other and looks forward to it.
• Restitution - This is one that we're working on and hopefully it will continue to work better and better.  Sometimes it seems to work well and sometimes, when she's in a mood, it doesn't work as well.  If Fancy Pants is mean or rude (overly) to a member of the family, she has to do something nice for them.  She was very defiant to Mini Jedi one day while I ran to the store.  She had to help him sort and fold his laundry.  If she is defiant toward me during the day, she may have to help me make dinner or clean something up.  This not only gives her a chance to make it better without just the lip service she gives when she says "I'm sorry" (sometimes she is sorry, most of the time she's not.  It's not her fault, she just still doesn't understand it), but it also gives her some one on one time with that person, building the relationship with them, strengthening it, so that she won't want to hurt that person through her actions anymore.  Like I said - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  But we will continue to use it, it is good for her.
• Re-parenting - Fancy Pants missed key parts of her development due to neglect.  There are some things we have been doing to go back in time, so to speak, and re-parent those ages.  I don't just cuddle with her, but cradle her in my arms and rock her like an infant.  I know from her file she did get some time like this with her bio-mom, but I also know from her file AND her behavior and RAD diagnosis, she did not get enough.  We have other ideas about re-parenting we're going to add into this, but haven't instituted yet.

So these are some of our new tools in our toolbox.  If you parent a hurt child or a child who has RAD, I'd love to hear what tools have been successful for you!

Hmmm...

As I chatted with a friend this weekend about RAD and Fancy Pants a memory popped into my head.  A girl once told me, when my son was young, that another mom didn't like me because I talked about my son too much.  He was an only child and I was a stay at home mom...there really wasn't much else to talk about.  But I'm sure all the stuff I said was positive, we had very few issues with him when he was young (we still have very few!)

I told my friend this weekend that it was a good thing that mom doesn't live close now because I can't imagine how much she'd dislike me for how much I talk about Fancy Pants.  And I started to feel really bad.  I realize not a lot of what I say is usually positive.  

I love my little girl, so much I can't even express.  Sometimes I just really don't know what to do about what we experience with her.  Often I'm at a loss and really just need to vent.  Most of the time I hope that whoever I'm talking to may have some ideas.  I often feel like we've tried everything.  

I pray that people don't see my intentions wrong.  I'm seeking healing and answers for her.  I am not the perfect mom.  I don't have all the answers.  I truly believe friends lift one another up and sometimes I need to be lifted up.  I'm human and I'm not afraid to admit that I am not perfect and I don't have all the answers.  I don't need to hide my imperfections from the world... there are plenty of them and I'm sure they're quite obvious.  

But the revelation did leave me feeling uneasy and more self conscious.  There are so many wonderful and beautiful qualities that my daughter possesses.  Do I share those enough?  I've been wanting to do a blog post about the great things we've learned about her in the past month and the progress she has made.  I just haven't had time to sit down and do it.  I hope to do that this week.

I pray I can find better ways to deal with my confusion about the stuff we go through, than to weigh others down with it.  It's not my intention to do that... RAD is just hard.  It's a lot of emotions for everyone in my family and as the mom I feel like it's my job to make it better (you know, how most moms feel) and I can't... and it sucks.

Anyhow, if you are one I have overwhelmed with my RAD talk or about my little girl... I apologize.  It wasn't my intention.  Please forgive me and maybe have a bit of grace for this completely confused, non-perfect, but trying hard, mom.