We're finally starting our homeschooling this week. We don't have anything super exciting planned, just some little things to start us out. I don't expect to get everything done that we want to do, but anything is better than nothing! A lot of what we do will be review for the girls. Both know most of their letters and the sounds and if you say a word can tell you what that word starts with!
I'll update how it goes.... praying it goes well!!!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
RAD Diet?
So our WIC ran out last month... and I forgot to go. We only still qualify because of the way they do the military's income. For some time I've been wanting to let this go, but it saves us about $100 a month on groceries and it's hard to walk away from that kind of savings when you're frugal minded like we are. Especially when we had foster kids, the savings was even greater.
To be honest though, WIC isn't as nutritional as it seems. The processed cereal for breakfast isn't very good for kids. But when it's free... well.. how can you resist?! I've been reading more about milk and how it may be more beneficial for us to drink a smaller amount of whole milk instead of greater amounts of more processed 2% or skim milk. Once you get it down to 2% there is little nutritional value left. We don't drink much milk, yet we get SO much a month. I have 3 freezers and 2 of them have TONS of milk in them....
I do like getting the oatmeal, rice and beans... and the fruit and vegetables. Those are very beneficial to our family. But once I go in with that card, knowing the things I'd rather not feed my family are free... well... free wins.
I've been wanting to get both girls (and by extension all our family) on a less processed, no preservative diet. Baby Cakes is VERY sensitive to sugar and dye and I am starting to suspect preservatives as her hyper behavior is becoming more common, even when not eating the foods we know "trigger" her.
With Fancy Pant's RAD and knowing special diets work for children who have ADHD and Autism, I'm wondering if it may work for her as well.
Either way it can't hurt! I have much more time now that we're not fostering to devote to cooking for my family. We have soooo fewer appointments and commitments that it is the right time for this. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'd love any and all positive tips and suggestions! Websites, books, whatever can help us out with this endeavor
To be honest though, WIC isn't as nutritional as it seems. The processed cereal for breakfast isn't very good for kids. But when it's free... well.. how can you resist?! I've been reading more about milk and how it may be more beneficial for us to drink a smaller amount of whole milk instead of greater amounts of more processed 2% or skim milk. Once you get it down to 2% there is little nutritional value left. We don't drink much milk, yet we get SO much a month. I have 3 freezers and 2 of them have TONS of milk in them....
I do like getting the oatmeal, rice and beans... and the fruit and vegetables. Those are very beneficial to our family. But once I go in with that card, knowing the things I'd rather not feed my family are free... well... free wins.
I've been wanting to get both girls (and by extension all our family) on a less processed, no preservative diet. Baby Cakes is VERY sensitive to sugar and dye and I am starting to suspect preservatives as her hyper behavior is becoming more common, even when not eating the foods we know "trigger" her.
With Fancy Pant's RAD and knowing special diets work for children who have ADHD and Autism, I'm wondering if it may work for her as well.
Either way it can't hurt! I have much more time now that we're not fostering to devote to cooking for my family. We have soooo fewer appointments and commitments that it is the right time for this. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'd love any and all positive tips and suggestions! Websites, books, whatever can help us out with this endeavor
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Mommy Guilt
If you're a mom, you've probably suffered from Mommy Guilt. I know I have numerous times over the years. Anything ranging from snapping at my kid when I shouldn't have, to allowing them to make mistakes and face the consequences so that they can learn life's hard lessons, even when I could have saved them. Second guessing decisions or even realizing some decisions I made for my children were wrong.... all lead to mommy guilt.
It's hard to be a mom.
Having a child with a disorder like RAD also produces a lot of guilt. Last week I wrote about being in mourning and being angry. But I also experienced a lot of guilt when we got the results back from the Psychologist.
For 3 years we've parented this child...shouldn't we be further along in helping her? I think back on all the times I've been so frustrated by her behavior... and she was just suffering. Should I have punished her for this or that... when maybe she was acting out because of the hurt. It's hard.
The biggest piece of guilt I have though is allowing others to tell me that she was just being "typical" for her age. I knew in my heart that this wasn't true. But we're strict parents. We have high expectations for our children, and they normally meet them. Our expectations are age appropriate - for 50 years ago. I expect my children to behave in places like the grocery store and church. I expect them to run wild at the playground and in the backyard. I don't think these are unrealistic. I can't imagine Mary allowing Jesus to run wild in the Temple or the market place.
However, as we struggled with our little girl, so often what heard from others was "oh, she's 2 (or 3, or 4), and a girl. You haven't had a girl before." Never mind that I've had 8 younger sisters... all of them different personalities... none of them quite like our little girl. Or "She's just strong willed, your son wasn't." Yes, I do believe she is strong willed, I believe any child who has RAD also has a strong personality. You rarely get RAD without it. "My kid did those things". But did your kid do those things 586 times a day? No. Probably not. (Honestly, some of the things people have shared with me that their kids have done are pretty darn funny!! Some of the stories I have enjoyed very much :)
As a mom I wonder why I allowed myself to second guess what I knew, due to these opinions, however well meaning. And I feel guilty that I did. I KNEW something was not right and I let people who don't live in my house, who don't see my daughter every single day, who have no idea what we go through, tell me that she was fine. I should have gotten her help years ago. And I didn't. But even I would much rather think there was something wrong with me, than that she had a problem. Perhaps it was that I used these opinions to solidify my denial.
This thinking doesn't get me anywhere, I know that. I'm working through it. I'm trying to leave it at the cross and move forward. It doesn't help my daughter for me to feel guilty. It puts me in a bad mood and puts a wall between us. It's very hard to be a parent of a RAD kid. It's hard to parent in public where people judge you and assume they have a clue. I have to work harder on not caring. I'm slowly getting there. I am to the point though that I am going to make decisions for my daughter, others can take them or leave them, but their negative input is not going to change my mind. I'm building my confidence in my parenting and the fact that I love my child the MOST, apart from God. I want ALL good things for her and I know her BEST of anyone else on earth. I go through the good moments and the bad moments with her. And I know what is best for her. If a person rejects our choices for our daughter, then at this point they are also rejecting her healing. I don't have room for those people in my life. It's just hard enough already...
Overall, this is a huge learning process for us. Learning what works for her and learning who is going to support us through it and who is not. I am so lucky for the friends I have and the support we have. Also that we've partnered with an amazing psychologist who understands our daughter's hurts and needs and is helping us build our parenting tool box specifically for her. So today I'm letting go of guilt and embracing these people who are going to see us through this and I'm focusing on all the positive they bring into my life. I'm going to focus on what it was God saw in me, what parts of me He knew my daughter was going to need. I'm going to work on strengthening those amazing parts of her that are going to make her an amazing woman. My little girl is stronger than most people I know. She is stronger than everything she has faced. I feel so blessed to be chosen as her mother. I plan on doing all I can to see her thrive. The day I meet the Lord I want Him to smile at me and say "I knew you could do it."
(If this comes off as harsh, it's because these are very strong feelings. This is my daughter, after all. Please know, I thought of no one specifically, no specific incident or encounter while writing this. There have been too many to focus on just one or two... or ten. I'm not blaming anyone for this guilt but myself. It's my fault I took it personally and that I didn't follow what I knew was best for my daughter. And I know that people mean well... but that doesn't always make it easy to deal with, when you're trying so hard and love someone so much.
This is about my guilt and hoping that other parents of RAD can use my experience to help them through their own struggles, most RAD parents I encounter hold an enormous amount of guilt. I hope my letting go can inspire others to as well.)
It's hard to be a mom.
Having a child with a disorder like RAD also produces a lot of guilt. Last week I wrote about being in mourning and being angry. But I also experienced a lot of guilt when we got the results back from the Psychologist.
For 3 years we've parented this child...shouldn't we be further along in helping her? I think back on all the times I've been so frustrated by her behavior... and she was just suffering. Should I have punished her for this or that... when maybe she was acting out because of the hurt. It's hard.
The biggest piece of guilt I have though is allowing others to tell me that she was just being "typical" for her age. I knew in my heart that this wasn't true. But we're strict parents. We have high expectations for our children, and they normally meet them. Our expectations are age appropriate - for 50 years ago. I expect my children to behave in places like the grocery store and church. I expect them to run wild at the playground and in the backyard. I don't think these are unrealistic. I can't imagine Mary allowing Jesus to run wild in the Temple or the market place.
However, as we struggled with our little girl, so often what heard from others was "oh, she's 2 (or 3, or 4), and a girl. You haven't had a girl before." Never mind that I've had 8 younger sisters... all of them different personalities... none of them quite like our little girl. Or "She's just strong willed, your son wasn't." Yes, I do believe she is strong willed, I believe any child who has RAD also has a strong personality. You rarely get RAD without it. "My kid did those things". But did your kid do those things 586 times a day? No. Probably not. (Honestly, some of the things people have shared with me that their kids have done are pretty darn funny!! Some of the stories I have enjoyed very much :)
As a mom I wonder why I allowed myself to second guess what I knew, due to these opinions, however well meaning. And I feel guilty that I did. I KNEW something was not right and I let people who don't live in my house, who don't see my daughter every single day, who have no idea what we go through, tell me that she was fine. I should have gotten her help years ago. And I didn't. But even I would much rather think there was something wrong with me, than that she had a problem. Perhaps it was that I used these opinions to solidify my denial.
This thinking doesn't get me anywhere, I know that. I'm working through it. I'm trying to leave it at the cross and move forward. It doesn't help my daughter for me to feel guilty. It puts me in a bad mood and puts a wall between us. It's very hard to be a parent of a RAD kid. It's hard to parent in public where people judge you and assume they have a clue. I have to work harder on not caring. I'm slowly getting there. I am to the point though that I am going to make decisions for my daughter, others can take them or leave them, but their negative input is not going to change my mind. I'm building my confidence in my parenting and the fact that I love my child the MOST, apart from God. I want ALL good things for her and I know her BEST of anyone else on earth. I go through the good moments and the bad moments with her. And I know what is best for her. If a person rejects our choices for our daughter, then at this point they are also rejecting her healing. I don't have room for those people in my life. It's just hard enough already...
Overall, this is a huge learning process for us. Learning what works for her and learning who is going to support us through it and who is not. I am so lucky for the friends I have and the support we have. Also that we've partnered with an amazing psychologist who understands our daughter's hurts and needs and is helping us build our parenting tool box specifically for her. So today I'm letting go of guilt and embracing these people who are going to see us through this and I'm focusing on all the positive they bring into my life. I'm going to focus on what it was God saw in me, what parts of me He knew my daughter was going to need. I'm going to work on strengthening those amazing parts of her that are going to make her an amazing woman. My little girl is stronger than most people I know. She is stronger than everything she has faced. I feel so blessed to be chosen as her mother. I plan on doing all I can to see her thrive. The day I meet the Lord I want Him to smile at me and say "I knew you could do it."
(If this comes off as harsh, it's because these are very strong feelings. This is my daughter, after all. Please know, I thought of no one specifically, no specific incident or encounter while writing this. There have been too many to focus on just one or two... or ten. I'm not blaming anyone for this guilt but myself. It's my fault I took it personally and that I didn't follow what I knew was best for my daughter. And I know that people mean well... but that doesn't always make it easy to deal with, when you're trying so hard and love someone so much.
This is about my guilt and hoping that other parents of RAD can use my experience to help them through their own struggles, most RAD parents I encounter hold an enormous amount of guilt. I hope my letting go can inspire others to as well.)
Monday, August 22, 2011
Hard topics = Healing
Since I've been sharing about all this hard stuff we've been going through here with our sweet Fancy Pants, I want to share some of the amazing stuff that happened last week as well.
With RAD kids healing is hard to estimate. It's not like a virus that runs it's course. There are no set steps and then ta-da! she's healed. The thing about RAD is that the child has to chose to heal. They've built a wall around their heart and you can do things to soften it up, but the demolition of that wall is up to the child completely. You can lay a foundation and be giving them tools to tear it down, but until they're ready... that's all you can do. You can't force them, bribe them, butter them up, etc. And there's no amount of "good parenting" that can tear it down either.
As we read about more and more ways to help our daughter trust us enough to tear that wall down we have to decide which tools fit our parenting and our daughter and which don't. We put together a "toolbox" so to speak. It's actually been quite fun! We have really enjoyed watching Fancy Pants' reaction to our new parenting tools. A lot of time she is surprised... and very cautious. Why aren't we getting mad and why isn't she getting time outs for the things she used to do? Our level of compassion has shot through the roof. However, so has our level of structure and expectations. It's not turned into a free for all.
The response to our new tools has gone both ways. We've seen an increase in "trying" behaviors and an increase in awareness about her behavior. Awareness that the behavior is wrong is something hard for RAD kids, since they know it all ;) The fact we're seeing this so soon is soooo very exciting.
We had an amazing moment yesterday after church. I wish I could share the details, but they are a little to private. My sweet little girl opened up her heart to me though and the hurt and pain that poured out was overwhelming for both of us. We covered some very hard topics for a 4 year old, but she led the discussion, she brought up which topics she wanted to talk about. To hear such hurt and pain... and not be able to take it away. It was hard. I can't say how hard. But at the same time I knew it was good. Very good. (My O stuck right there and I typed "I knew it was God" about 5 times... and that is so true - I KNOW this moment was from God as well, and that He was there, crying tears along with us).
I've always known what an amazing child Fancy Pants is. Yesterday that was so obvious. The fact that she understands so much at 4 years old is amazing. She was so strong yesterday to open up her heart like that. As her mom I was so proud of her, and proud of all this hard work we have done. Every bit of it has been worth it. She is healing! I cried happy tears all day. I got real, genuine smiles from her all afternoon! They are rare... and they are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. We still have a long way to go, there are still going to be many hard days, but I know that God is going to get us there. My daughter is going to be happy, healthy, and WHOLE. Her heart will always have a hurt... loosing as much as she has in her life already. But she is going to allow me to be her mom and be there for her. I am so excited... God is so good.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Mourning
I was wondering about something yesterday. When a mother gives birth to a baby that is born with a disorder or some type of chromosome abnormality do they go through a mourning period? Not to say that any love is lost, but maybe dreams they had for that child that they now have to set aside? It's a sticky subject and I mean no disrespect by it.
It's just that lately I feel like I've been in mourning for my sweet little girl... for the child she should get to be but can't. One thing the therapist said is she saw very little genuine emotion in her. I agree, many times she's faking it. But I do see glimpses of real emotion in her sometimes... a few days ago I got the cutest video of her dancing while she was sorting the laundry for me... it is something I watch daily, I will always treasure it. She was completely herself, lost in that moment. When I see the true little girl, when she pokes her head out of the protective layer she's formed around herself... it is a true treasure.
I saw the therapist for the RAD diagnosis and her findings a little over a week ago. I have cried so many tears since then. I really feel like my heart is broken for my daughter. At the same time, I am determined to see her through this and see her healed. Just as a baby born with a disorder - my child did nothing to bring this on herself, this is in no way her fault.
I also carry some anger... I know that the neglect she went through was due to ignorance on her first parents part. I try not to blame them. But when all I want to do is love on my child and she just can't allow me to...through no fault of hers and no fault of mine... does there always have to be someone to blame? Maybe not. But I'm angry for my little girl, that she doesn't just get to be. Be carefree, be happy, be normal... I watch my other kids, so carefree and light in their playing. I watch her, so on guard, so unsure... sometimes I'm so angry I can't see straight!
I shared my upset about this with the therapist and she reassured me that we will get there, that she will get to be a carefree little girl. I hope it's soon. I hope I have the strength and the wisdom she needs to help her through this. It's definitely not something I ever thought I'd have to deal with as a parent. I guess I mourn for the parent I want to be as well. The one I want to be isn't the one that's best for her. We will slowly find a way that melds the mom I want to be and the one she needs me to be. Just keep us in your prayers... we have a lot of hard work ahead of us.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Wait, what?
We were on vacation last week and one night I couldn't sleep so I laid in bed reading this book "Parenting the Hurt Child" that the therapist recommended. Tony lay asleep next to me and I was trying to be quiet as possible. I was reading about parenting pitfalls that parents who are raising RAD kids often fall into. And there it was - a common mistake of RAD parents is being consistent.
Hold the phone! What!? It's not good to be consistent!?
I had to remember my sleeping husband beside me because I did sit up straight in the bed and wanted to yell "WHAT!?"
One thing that we are as parents, and that we've always been, is consistent. I've taken quite a few child development classes and they all say the same thing - consistency is key! It's something we did with Mini Jedi and have continued to do. In all our foster care training they stress the importance of being consistent.
And now you're telling me we shouldn't be!? UGH! And only with one of our kids at that. Be consistent with the whole children, be inconsistent with the fractured child.
This should be fun.
So what are we supposed to do instead? We're supposed to mix it up to keep her on her toes. A child with RAD will try to rope you into over 100 power struggles a day. Our job is to avoid most of them (thereby winning). If we do take on a power struggle, we must win. Sometimes with these kids, the stubbornness runs very deep and it could take you hours or days to win a simple power struggle over putting a pair of socks in the dirty clothes. However, you can be inconsistent and still win simply by saying something like "Oh, you know, I changed my mind. I really do want those socks in the middle of the floor. Thank you so much, how did you know? You must have read my mind!" And you let it go. Chances are the kid will pick the socks up and put them in the dirty clothes in the next minute and a half.
When a child with RAD knows what consequence will follow each action then instead of thinking "oh, I don't want a time out" they will weigh if it's worth the time out. It's not really a consequence to them, it's more of a choice. "If I choose to act this way, I'm also choosing to go to bed early. And since I really want to act this way, I don't mind going to bed early." However, if you change your mind or ignore and are inconsistent they really can't weigh their options the same - they have no idea what will happen so they really have to think about the behavior. This is also why sticker charts and behavior reward programs don't work for RAD kids. (Thank you, I've been trying to explain to people how these don't work for Fancy Pants for years, but all I get is "well this is a different way, you really should try it. How do you know it wont work? Um, I kind of know my kid... imagine that.)
Another thing we struggle a lot with is lying. And we get so frustrated - lying is a huge no no in our home! However, because a RAD kid's brain is wired different, it's ok to ignore lying (knowing we can ignore it and actually being able to... two very different things and something we really struggle with). One thing it suggested was to ask the child to lie. We get a lot of "I don't know" when we ask a question like "Where did you hide those panties you peed in?" The book suggests you answer the "I don't know's" with "Well then make up a lie!" What a change in our mindset - ask my child to lie? I'm completely skeptical.
But I did it. And the child actually opened up her mouth and told me the truth! I said "but that was the truth! You were supposed to lie." She just looked at me SO confused and said "But... but... you don't like lying..." I think it worked??
So there's a lot to change... and it's weird. And it goes against everything we felt we were doing right with all our kids. With our other kids it is right. For Fancy Pants those techniques just aren't right. It's just very awkward to parent against your nature... can you imagine?
Hold the phone! What!? It's not good to be consistent!?
I had to remember my sleeping husband beside me because I did sit up straight in the bed and wanted to yell "WHAT!?"
One thing that we are as parents, and that we've always been, is consistent. I've taken quite a few child development classes and they all say the same thing - consistency is key! It's something we did with Mini Jedi and have continued to do. In all our foster care training they stress the importance of being consistent.
And now you're telling me we shouldn't be!? UGH! And only with one of our kids at that. Be consistent with the whole children, be inconsistent with the fractured child.
This should be fun.
So what are we supposed to do instead? We're supposed to mix it up to keep her on her toes. A child with RAD will try to rope you into over 100 power struggles a day. Our job is to avoid most of them (thereby winning). If we do take on a power struggle, we must win. Sometimes with these kids, the stubbornness runs very deep and it could take you hours or days to win a simple power struggle over putting a pair of socks in the dirty clothes. However, you can be inconsistent and still win simply by saying something like "Oh, you know, I changed my mind. I really do want those socks in the middle of the floor. Thank you so much, how did you know? You must have read my mind!" And you let it go. Chances are the kid will pick the socks up and put them in the dirty clothes in the next minute and a half.
When a child with RAD knows what consequence will follow each action then instead of thinking "oh, I don't want a time out" they will weigh if it's worth the time out. It's not really a consequence to them, it's more of a choice. "If I choose to act this way, I'm also choosing to go to bed early. And since I really want to act this way, I don't mind going to bed early." However, if you change your mind or ignore and are inconsistent they really can't weigh their options the same - they have no idea what will happen so they really have to think about the behavior. This is also why sticker charts and behavior reward programs don't work for RAD kids. (Thank you, I've been trying to explain to people how these don't work for Fancy Pants for years, but all I get is "well this is a different way, you really should try it. How do you know it wont work? Um, I kind of know my kid... imagine that.)
Another thing we struggle a lot with is lying. And we get so frustrated - lying is a huge no no in our home! However, because a RAD kid's brain is wired different, it's ok to ignore lying (knowing we can ignore it and actually being able to... two very different things and something we really struggle with). One thing it suggested was to ask the child to lie. We get a lot of "I don't know" when we ask a question like "Where did you hide those panties you peed in?" The book suggests you answer the "I don't know's" with "Well then make up a lie!" What a change in our mindset - ask my child to lie? I'm completely skeptical.
But I did it. And the child actually opened up her mouth and told me the truth! I said "but that was the truth! You were supposed to lie." She just looked at me SO confused and said "But... but... you don't like lying..." I think it worked??
So there's a lot to change... and it's weird. And it goes against everything we felt we were doing right with all our kids. With our other kids it is right. For Fancy Pants those techniques just aren't right. It's just very awkward to parent against your nature... can you imagine?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Encouraged!
We've been seeing a great therapist to help with Fancy Pants attachment issues. I am very pleased, as therapy and RAD don't usually mix. I love the way the therapy is set up - I see the therapist, she helps give me tools I need to parent, then I come home and implement them with Fancy Pants. This is how RAD therapy should be, and I'm so thankful I found a therapist on the first try who understands that.
I think one of the biggest things I've gotten out of it is that we're doing a lot of stuff correctly - whew! Parenting RAD kids is different than healthy, whole children. We have had to make a lot of decisions about Fancy Pants life that we never would have had to make for our other children - we've gone mostly by prayer and instinct. When the therapist said she agreed with these decisions it was great to have someone who is knowledgeable about RAD reassure us that we are on the right track.
She suggested a great book to me "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Gregory Keck. If you have any desire to learn more about children with RAD and want to know WHY they must be parented differently, this is a great book to read. If you know anyone with a RAD kid and just want to be supportive - read this book!
A few things I got from this book that I really liked (so far, I'm not quite done) -
I think one of the biggest things I've gotten out of it is that we're doing a lot of stuff correctly - whew! Parenting RAD kids is different than healthy, whole children. We have had to make a lot of decisions about Fancy Pants life that we never would have had to make for our other children - we've gone mostly by prayer and instinct. When the therapist said she agreed with these decisions it was great to have someone who is knowledgeable about RAD reassure us that we are on the right track.
She suggested a great book to me "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Gregory Keck. If you have any desire to learn more about children with RAD and want to know WHY they must be parented differently, this is a great book to read. If you know anyone with a RAD kid and just want to be supportive - read this book!
A few things I got from this book that I really liked (so far, I'm not quite done) -
- Not only should parents be teaching kids values, it's our responsibility! (I've always felt the same, great to see it in writing!)
- Parent-Centered homes are more successful in raising responsible, successful children than Child-Centered homes.
- You can't expect a child to grow up and be a leader if he hasn't had practice in following a strong leader
- It is OK to parent each child in the home differently
This last one is huge because we do parent Fancy Pants differently than the other kids. It's pretty obvious to everyone around us. While we know why we need to, not everyone else understands. And that's fine, I don't need them to understand, it would be nice if everyone was at least respectful and gave us the benefit of the doubt.
I've noticed though that in public we are very on guard with Fancy Pants. We have to be. When you're parenting a child who you know will try to take control of every situation and you know how they tend to act in public you can't help but to be cautious and on guard. It makes me sad this is all some people see of our interactions with her, it's not like this when it's just the 5 of us at home. I know what it must look like to people at church and when we have guests in our home. We watch her like a hawk. One major thing RAD kids do is manipulate people around them. The people they manipulate the most are the people who are skeptical about them even having an issue. They read people better than most adults can, even at age 4. And my above average IQ little girl is a pro at it! It would be great to be more relaxed and natural in public, but overall we need to do what is best for Fancy Pants and we're just not to that point yet.
Stay tuned for tomorrow - I'll cover something we found we are doing WRONG in our parenting... it came as quite a shock but we're now working on it!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
What to blog?
So much has changed in the past few months, I hardly know what to blog anymore. The point of my blog was to mostly blog about our adventures in foster parenting. Since we're no longer foster parents (we didn't close our home, we're just inactive for the foreseeable future) my original goal of the blog is somewhat moot.
My life now is filled with pregnancy, a loving husband and 3 beautiful children. There's still plenty to write about. I could write about our pregnancy, thus far all it would have been about though is the incredible morning sickness! I could write about the kids, but we haven't done a whole lot, due to that nasty morning sickness. And then there's my sweet Fancy Pants, who we're struggling a lot with, who was just diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).
There are a few RAD blogs out there, I enjoy reading them. But making the decision to open up your life to the general public by blogging about the struggles of raising a RAD child is hard. I've always been open with my friends because I need them to stay sane. I've slowly opened up a bit on my facebook because I feel like the people around us need to know at least a bit of what is going on with Fancy Pants. They need to know why our parenting with her looks so different than the parenting of the other kids.
To be honest, some days I feel like sharing a lot. Some days I feel like sharing nothing. Some days I wonder if I wear my friends out by all my talk of this RAD and my hurting child. Not that they make me feel that way, not at all. I guess sometimes I just need to verbalize what I'm thinking and feeling to someone to help me process it. Believe me, it's SO much to process. We've now been parenting a RAD child for 3 years. For over 2 of those years we really had no idea what was wrong, we'd not heard of RAD. We feel like we tried everything to figure out our sweet girl and these behaviors and nothing we did worked. Can you even imagine how discouraging it is to see your child out of control for so long and nothing you do works, even though you are trying so hard? To see that you are helping all these other kids heal and thrive (or fosters) but nothing you do for your own daughter is working? It has definitely taken a tole on us. We raised a son who is amazing. He is responsible (as much as a 12 year old can be), he's respectful, he has values... so deep down I know I'm a good parent. But to this particular child (Fancy Pants) I often wonder if I really am a good parent. Some days I do very well, take it all in stride, keep my cool. Other days... well they're just not fun. I've lost a lot of my confidence in my parenting. It would be great (therapeutic) to be able to blog about all this, the ups and downs, struggles and good days...
On the other hand... what about our privacy? Isn't there such a thing as opening your life up too much? (And would it even interest anyone??) Obviously I'd have to keep a lot of her specific behaviors private, it's not really fair to share with the world when she does some of the outrageous stuff she does, even if it would help others understand what exactly we're dealing with.
So where is the line? Anyone have any thoughts on this?
My life now is filled with pregnancy, a loving husband and 3 beautiful children. There's still plenty to write about. I could write about our pregnancy, thus far all it would have been about though is the incredible morning sickness! I could write about the kids, but we haven't done a whole lot, due to that nasty morning sickness. And then there's my sweet Fancy Pants, who we're struggling a lot with, who was just diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).
There are a few RAD blogs out there, I enjoy reading them. But making the decision to open up your life to the general public by blogging about the struggles of raising a RAD child is hard. I've always been open with my friends because I need them to stay sane. I've slowly opened up a bit on my facebook because I feel like the people around us need to know at least a bit of what is going on with Fancy Pants. They need to know why our parenting with her looks so different than the parenting of the other kids.
To be honest, some days I feel like sharing a lot. Some days I feel like sharing nothing. Some days I wonder if I wear my friends out by all my talk of this RAD and my hurting child. Not that they make me feel that way, not at all. I guess sometimes I just need to verbalize what I'm thinking and feeling to someone to help me process it. Believe me, it's SO much to process. We've now been parenting a RAD child for 3 years. For over 2 of those years we really had no idea what was wrong, we'd not heard of RAD. We feel like we tried everything to figure out our sweet girl and these behaviors and nothing we did worked. Can you even imagine how discouraging it is to see your child out of control for so long and nothing you do works, even though you are trying so hard? To see that you are helping all these other kids heal and thrive (or fosters) but nothing you do for your own daughter is working? It has definitely taken a tole on us. We raised a son who is amazing. He is responsible (as much as a 12 year old can be), he's respectful, he has values... so deep down I know I'm a good parent. But to this particular child (Fancy Pants) I often wonder if I really am a good parent. Some days I do very well, take it all in stride, keep my cool. Other days... well they're just not fun. I've lost a lot of my confidence in my parenting. It would be great (therapeutic) to be able to blog about all this, the ups and downs, struggles and good days...
On the other hand... what about our privacy? Isn't there such a thing as opening your life up too much? (And would it even interest anyone??) Obviously I'd have to keep a lot of her specific behaviors private, it's not really fair to share with the world when she does some of the outrageous stuff she does, even if it would help others understand what exactly we're dealing with.
So where is the line? Anyone have any thoughts on this?
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