Goodbye #12

Sometimes being a foster parent feels much like a little kid that just keeps touching the hot stove over and over again, the one that never seems to learn.

When my kids leave I can't help but think "Why do I do this to myself over and over again?  I know it's going to hurt!  Yet I just keep doing it..."  Is it insane?  Sometimes it feels insane.  There's a very good chance I'm completely certifiable.

I guess it just comes down to - I love the kids more than my heart breaks when they leave. 

Our little Jewel is leaving us, but this time it is so very special.  She gets to go where she should have been all along.  I am very  happy for her and her family!  It is very exciting to see a little one who gets to go where she belongs instead aimlessly from place to place.  It's the first time I've truly been excited about a judges decision since our little girl came to us. 

The family was so sweet, her grandmother even invited us to a celebration dinner this weekend.  I have to go out of town or we might have thought about going.  I have only ever seen one foster child after they left my home, one time.  In the beginning I really thought they'd be at least a little part of our lives forever, maybe not all of them but at least a few. I have learned not to expect to see them again once they leave.  I'd love for Jewel to be the exception to the rule.  Not only is my heart aching but I have two heartbroken little girls who thought of her as a sister and will miss her.  I trust God will heal their hearts just as He heals mine.

Eating Clean: Day 8

Well I have one week down, many many more to go!  I thought I'd check in and tell you how it went.

Overall it was a great week!  I stayed on track pretty well all week.  Tony did take me on a date night last Thursday and I didn't eat clean but I tried to eat as well as I could.  Before that I'd lost 3.6 pounds and the next morning I stepped on the scale and I'd gained 2 pounds back!  Not happy!  I figured most of it to be salt since eating clean also means eating less sodium.  This morning I stepped on the scale for my 1 week weigh in (I weigh every day, but try to only have Mondays be official) and I lost 2.4 pounds total!  Not too bad, but I did expect a bit more. 

I upgraded my water pitcher to one of those sun tea things with the little spout.  I fill that up in the morning and as long as I drink the whole thing (a gallon) plus some then I know I'm drinking enough water for the day!  I haven't had a soda in over a week!  I'm so proud!!!

I am getting very used to oatmeal or cream of wheat for breakfast, although I could mix it up a bit and make some eggs.  I just haven't yet.  I love the Agave Nectar sweetener that I got!  It's "light" so it's not too sweet but it really tastes great. 

When I drink a ton of coffee and soda each day I feel a slump around 1 or 2pm where I just want to take a nap.  One thing I've noticed is that I don't seem to be having these slumps anymore.  I am drinking one cup of coffee in the morning still, with 2 tablespoons of creamer.  I'm hoping to cut the creamer out eventually or switch to fat free half and half.  I don't seem to need the caffeine anymore, I have more energy than I did before!

I did have one day last week that I didn't feel well.  Wednesday, 3 days in.  I had really bad cramping in my stomach.  It didn't last long, a few hours, then I felt better.  I was very tired that day as well.

Overall I am so happy with this change and I am going to keep it up!  Anyone else reading this that eats clean??  I'd love to hear how it's going!!

Are we meeting their needs?

You probably wouldn't believe if I told you how many times I started this particular blog and deleted it and started again.  There's quite a bit to be said about children's needs.  I could type for hours and not even scratch the surface.  I'm trying to work on my posts being shorter and more to the point though.  I also relaly had no idea how to wrap it up at the end because there is so much to say and I don't feel like I've covered it.  As I've written and rewritten I've learned though and gained insite and prayed a lot, which was what I set out to do, so even though it isn't the best writing I've done, I feel like I have succeeded :)

I guess what has struck me the most while trying to type this is my different mindset about needs for my little ones now vs. needs for Mini Jedi when he was younger.  I thought about his needs somewhat, but not to the extent I think about my daughters needs, particularly Fancy Pants, or my foster children's needs.  In a "traditional" home setting most of those needs get met without thinking much about it.  It's just natural.

A lot of people don't see why a foster home has to be any different.  Kids come into your home and you just parent them right along with your own, what's the big deal?  Honestly, it couldn't be more different.  Every child that comes into my home needs something different.  Every child that comes into my home has gone through something different, mostly tragic, something a traditional family will never have to deal with.  When needs are not met hearts are broken and wounds are created.  Often all it takes is a stable environment, one that shows those unmet needs can and will be met, before the child starts to heal. I love watching these children blossom... it is an amazing sight to see.  So the reason we strive so hard to find those unmet needs is so we can help the healing process, so we can help these children live life to the fullest, the way it's supposed to be.
I found this list of responsabilities of a foster family and it scratches the surface of what our foster children need from us -

http://www.fosterparents.com/articles/index55fpresp.html

It's a pretty good list.  So how does this fit into our fostering goals?  How will it fit into our mission statement and what we are trying to accomplish? 

Honestly, there is no simple answer.  Every child I've parented has needed something different.  Sometimes what they need is easy to give.  A child that just needs love, time together and cuddles is a fairly easy child.  Mostly because those are things I love to give!

And some kids are harder, our love just isn't enough.  When we began fostering I really did think love would be enough, how could it not be?  My heart breaks for each of my kids but the ones I can't fix by just loving on them break my heart the most.  I may love them but that doesn't mean they are going to love me back, or even like me.  Don't get me wrong, they need love.  There is just more to it.  They don't trust or recognize real love.  When the people who are supposed to love you the most drag you through the dirt, you no longer have any faith in love. 

In the beginning of this journey our faith was smaller than it is now.  We did what we could then we prayed.  We have learned however, we now pray and then do what we can, and pray some more and pray some more.  Every child is different and we trust God to help us know how to meet their different needs.  Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't.  We are still relatively new to this, 3 years isn't a long time fostering.  Either way we'll keep going.  We truely love these children and our life as foster parents.

10 Minute Project: Icee Pop Holders

Someone sent me a link to a tutorial for icee pop holders a few months back, probably last summer.  I have no idea what the site was (Maybe Skip to my Lou), but remembered what they looked like and decided t whip a few up for my small fries.  They kept their fingers from freezing and the girls seemed to really enjoy them!  I don't want to do a tutorial on something someone has already done, thus stealing their idea.  But if you have sewn before I bet you can figure out how to make these!  I used felt for the inside and fabric for the outside.  Next time I may make them a little shorter, but all in all they were a huge success!

Clean Eating, Day 5

Today is Day 5 of Clean Eating.  So far it has been easier than I thought it was going to be!  Hubby and I went on a date last night and we ate pretty smart (so I thought).  We didn't even finish one basket of chips between us!  Usually we go through two or three.  It helped that our food was served quickly.  I have wanted to try their "Mexican Shrimp Cocktail" which is very similar to a Ceviche that I've made before.  I got the appetizer but didn't eat it all (hubby isn't a huge cold shrimp fan so he was no help, he got a cup of tortilla soup...mmmm...) and we ended up splitting shrimp and chicken fajitas.  I had the shrimp, he had the chicken.  I realized half way through I should have had corn tortillas not flour, but it was still very yummy and healthier than eating something with a super yummy sour cream sauce that I normally would have ordered.

Then I stepped on the scale this morning :(

You can't lose all your progress on one meal though can you?  I don't think so.  I think it was probably all the added sodium I haven't been eating all week.  I did notice when I got home I was incredibly thirsty.  I have been drinking probably close to 150 ounces of water a day.  There is no reason I should have been that thirsty!  This morning I was very thirsty as well, which isn't something I've had an issue with all week.

Speaking of water, what I did want to talk about today was what I've been drinking!  Today is day 5 of no soda!!  I still have a cup of coffee in the morning with 2 tablespoons of super yummy creamer.  This will be my very last thing I give up on this lifestyle change.  I don't want to overdo it and go back to my bad eating habits.  So instead of drinking my Diet Dr. Pepper all day long I've had water.  However, to make the water more enjoyable I've been putting lemons, limes and oranges in it -

This sits on my counter all day long and I refill it from the fridge about 10 times, at least.  I probably should think about getting a larger pitcher, but for now this is what I have, so it will do!

So I'm getting back on track today, this weight WILL come off! 

Clean Eating, Day 2

I realized last week I am so addicted to sugar and I am never going to be my goal weight if I don't kick the habit.  I have tried a lot of different eating plans including Weight Watchers, The Sonoma Diet, The Fat Flush Diet, etc.  The only one that really worked for me was The Sonoma Diet.  However, the first 10 days are so strict that I only get about that far. 

Recently I found a Clean Eating magazine.  Just reading the magazine isn't all that helpful.  I came across a few different blogs with clean eating recipes.  I never took a whole lot of time to investigate what exactly clean eating was until this past week.   I liked what I found so I went and purchased "The Eat-Clean Diet Revisited".  I want a change but I don't want a "diet".  I want this to be a lasting lifestyle change, not just something to lose weight and then eat crap again. 

Of course since I've tried before there is that added "can I really do this.  I've tried and failed so many times".  All I can say is I am going to give it my all.  I don't want to be overweight.  I am thrilled that my time in the "obese" category was very short, but I have been in the "overweight" category for so long now, it feels like forever. 

There are so many reasons to lose weight, not just to be healthy and have more energy but for me - I have daughters and I want to not only be a good example to them but be able to have the energy to keep up with them, play with them and have fun with them!  I want to have the energy to keep up with the chores around the house so I have more time to spend with my kids.

So what is clean eating?  Basically it's as few preservatives as possible, no white flour or sugar.  Fresh ingredients and whole grains are key.  It's very similar to the Sonoma Diet, however there are no stages.  It's more a lifestyle change than a diet.  Do a google search and see what you can find.  Here are a few resources I have found -

Eat-Clean Diet
The Gracious Pantry
The Clean Eating Mama
Carrots N Cake - Not a clean eating blog but pretty healthy :)
Clean Eating Magazine

One of the great things about Clean Eating is there is no counting calories.  You do need to keep track of what you eat though, just so you know you're eating and where you need to cut back. 

I have decided to track my food on My Fitness Pal, I'd love to "friend" you on there if you are trying to change your eating habits as well.  I know I need support during any weight loss regime!  My use name is Mominashoe.  Feel free to add me, in the comments put that you read the blog.

So to finish this up I'll share a salad dressing recipe I threw together today at lunch -

1/2 cup fat free plain yogurt
A couple squeezes of half a lemon (cut it lengthwise, more juice comes out!)
a fresh clove of garlic, pressed
one lug of basil infused olive oil (about 1 tsp)
Fresh ground seat salt
Fresh ground pepper

(If you don't have basil infused olive oil I suggest plain olive oil and some fresh or dried dill)

Mix all of it together and enjoy!  (The lemon and garlic in this cuts the taste of plain tuna pretty well.)

I'm new at this but I'd love to answer any questions you might have, or direct you to an answer :)

Where are my Rainbows and Lollipops!?

Sometimes at baby showers they have those little cards you leave the new mom advice on.  No one wants to write anything negative but shouldn't we warn those poor new moms? 

Not every day is going to be wonderful.  Some are going to downright suck.

No matter how hard you try, some days you just aren't going to be able to keep your cool.  Some days it may feel like you do not like your kids much at all. 

Sometimes I think it's just so scary to admit that.  We are moms.  We are supposed to have it all together.  We are supposed to have all the answers. 

Anyone with a strong willed child knows it's not all rainbows and lollipops.  Some days when you watch your child stomp their foot at you you are going to have to resist the urge to stomp your foot back!  Why can't I throw myself down and have a screaming fit too?  It's exactly what my body wants to do!  Some days you may just stand and watch your child with your jaw on the floor.  "Did they seriously just do that!?"

Parenting is dirty work.  Some days it's exhausting.  Some days you just want to scream into the heavenlies "What am I supposed to do with this child?!" 

And then there are days when you just want to sit and cry.  What do I do?  I have tried everything.  (This is my day today.)

It's ok to cry.  It's ok to scream into a pillow.  It's ok to take breaks or vent to a friend. 

At the end of the day though you realize - you do like your child.  You just don't much like some of their choices.  Every day will not be this way.  No child comes with an instruction manual so even when you think you are screwing up at every turn, really you aren't.  The next day may be the best you've had yet!  Children are emotionally unstable.  Every day is going to be different.  So on these days when you are ready to rip your hair out just look ahead... not every day is going to be this way.  Most days will not be this way.  It will get better (At least that's what I keep telling myself ;)

Simple Life...

As I typed the title above my fingers did not listen to my brain and typed the word "smile".  Very similar letters as "simple" and very fitting.  Lately my heart has been aching for a more simple life. 

When we lived in Italy life felt so simple.  We had fewer kids, we weren't involved in church, days were quiet, there was no running around constantly.  Evenings were filled with family during the week and friends on the weekends.  We had a favorite place to eat with a "tab" for days we didn't want to cook and a favorite spot in the mountains that we would escape to when the day needed some peace.  Tony would call me and say "make some sandwiches, let's go to the stream."  I can't tell you how many times we went up to that stream and threw rocks in and looked for fossils.  There were so many in the rocks up there...  We even carved our initials in a tree there.  I'd love to go back one day and see if they are still there.

Even in England days were simple, we walked our kids to school every morning and walked them home every afternoon.  There was no hustle and bustle like there is in America.  When we moved we talked about how we would make sure we didn't get caught up in the busy busy busy attitude of the US.  We tried for awhile but now we're smack dab in the middle and I really don't like it.  My soul longs for those simple days.

I'll have to do some praying and see where God is leading us with this.  I can say the more children in our home the more simple my soul aches for our life to be.  Being busy really frustrates me.  Probably not the best thing for a foster parent that has a million appointments a month!  (Might be why we still haven't signed the new little one up for WIC!)  I'm working on it.... I'll let you know how it goes.

What do you do when you feel life becoming just a busy mess of days?  How do you get back to "simple" for your family or do you like to be super busy?

Hmmmm....

So I read over what I have so far (on our goals as parents) now that things are much more peaceful in my spirit and I'm not sure what I think.  I think it kind of sounds like I have no idea what I'm doing, haha!  The thing is, when I can stay focused on our goals and priorities for our family, things run well.  It's when I start to get frustrated with things that really are outside of my control that I start to feel discouraged and upset.

So my goal in writing this isn't because I'm this terrible parent who needs to learn how to be a good one, which is how it was sounding to me.  As a parent, I think I do ok.  There's always room for improvement.  I will never get to a point in my parenting where I don't desire to continue to learn and grow.  There will never be a magic moment when I finally know all there is to know about parenting!  I have now parented, at least for a week, 15 different children.  Every single one of them is different.  There is always more to learn.

My goal in writing this is so that when I start to get upset I have my goals to come back to.  To pull me back in from that place I get when we're upset with "the system".  A guidepost or beacon when we're lost in the storm that is child protective services.  Something that says "look, this is what you're here for and these are your priorities.  Those other things are terrible but you are here to care for this child, that has to be someone else's responsibility."  I can't fix the system and help the child at the same time, though my heart desires to do both.  My focus is the child.  I can however pray for people to rise up and help fix the system.

So on that note, I will continue.  Next up (sometime in the next week, but it is spring break so it may be later than sooner) I will be looking further into the needs we are required to meet in our children and the needs we desire to meet, above these requirements.

Become a Fan!

Just a reminder to become a fan on facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Mothering-in-a-Shoe/133682846698983

If you were previously a fan please check because we had some issues and had to start over. 

Thanks!

Fostering is a Verb

For the next few weeks I will be doing a series very close to my heart, on what it means to my family to be a foster family.  We love that God has called us to this ministry.  We desire to really dig deeper into our hearts, into God's word and into what it means to be foster parents and care for these precious children. When a new charity begins they don't just open without taking the time to write down their goals and mission statement.  Through this digging deeper we desire to make a mission statement and goals for our family.


First I'd like to start with the definition of fostering (which is the same as the word "foster") -


fos•ter   /ˈfɔstər, ˈfɒstər/
–verb
1. to promote the growth or development of; further; encourage
2. to bring up, raise, or rear, as a foster child.
3. to care for or cherish.

The definition of the word "foster" speaks volumes.  Fostering is not just promoting growth or rearing.  There is a third entry there - to cherish.  Too often as foster parents we get worn out, we loose our focus amid doctors appointments, therapy appointments, family visits, false promises from workers, paperwork, logs, etc.  There are just SO many different things we juggle every day, so many people we have to listen and answer to.  Staying focused on the important things can turn into just another thing on that never ending list.
 

cher·ish
-verb
1. to hold or treat as dear; feel love for
2. to care for tenderly; nurture:
3. to cling fondly or inveterately to

I want to say I cherish my kids every day. I love them deeply, they are my world and the focus of my days. I desire to see them happy, to keep them healthy, to meet their needs in a positive way. Is that enough? Am I successful every day?


Cherish suggests regarding or treating something as an object of affection or as valuable
The words that stick out the most there for me are "treating something as valuable".  Every day do we regard our children as valuable?  (Foster or not).  I'm not sure about you, but when I think back just over today I remember struggles, a few harsh words, some "you need to go play now's" while trying to cook dinner, etc.  Is that how we treat something of value? 

Foster implies sustaining and nourishing something with care, especially in order to promote, increase, or strengthen it

I love that.  LOVE it.  What am I doing in the lives of my children each day in regards to the sentence above?  What am I doing to promote and strengthen them? 

I am sure this is just silly to some, "of course we are supposed to cherish our children.  Did this lady not realize that?"  Of course I know that, but how many busy moms make it a point to daily cherish their children in every interaction with them?  They aren't purposely not, they are just busy.  I get busy, I get distracted, I get irritated.  I lose focus of the the big picture... cherishing them every moment.

Fostering is a verb, and action word.  Knowing we need to cherish our children and actively seeking to are quite different. 

The Application - How will I apply this knowledge to our daily life? 

I really think in order to cherish our children we have to take time for them, not from them.  Think about the things you do each day.  Are they really important?  Are the things we're doing strengthening our relationships with our kids or taking away from them?  Are we rushing from one thing to the next each day, dragging our kids along behind us?  As a stay at home mom and foster mother this is not what I want.  I want the children to be the focus of my day and for everything else to be second.  I don't want to snap at my children because we're late and they still don't have their coat on.  I want to stop and take a moment to help them with love and kindness.  If I'm late then the world will not stop turning!  So my goal for today is to center my days on my children's needs and theirs alone. 


(All definitions in this post were taken from http://www.dictionary.com/)

Turning A Corner

So lately it's just not been fun to be around me.  Ask my husband - he'll attest to that.  I'm distracted.  I'm annoyed.  I'm irritable.  (Well, I'd like to say "I was", I feel we've turned a corner!)

I'm annoyed with people who can't just give it to us straight, who offer false statements and promises (after all, shouldn't your word be your promise?) (But is mine always? Ouch).  When you bring a child into my home, why not just say "Look, honestly I'm not sure how long it will be.  I'd like for it to be X number of weeks, but are you willing to keep them longer if that becomes X?"  My answer is going to be yes, just ask my friends.  I can't say no!  I don't know how! 

So if my answer would be yes, why even be upset?  I sat down yesterday and really thought on this.  I really think it comes down to respect.  If you come into my home and lie to me or stretch the truth (same thing as lying) it shows a complete lack of respect for me and my family and our needs.  If I don't have all the facts to begin with then how can I make a determination on if my home is the best for this child?  I'd love to be able to say yes to any child and work through their issues with love and patience, but there are other people in my home to consider as well.

What does it come back to though?  What it comes back to is: what is our goal in fostering?  Is it being told the truth at every turn?  No.  The truth is nice, but it's not a deal breaker.  So I just need to suck it up and deal.  But how do you deal when it affects your whole family and all the workers are focused no on your family as a whole but that one child?  When you want to yell "I have 3 OTHER children too!"  This balance is very hard to achieve and the pressure is enough to make you distracted, annoyed and irritable. 

So we've decided that it's time to make a mission statement.  What things are we going to allow ourselves to be annoyed by and what things are we going to have to let go in our foster care ministry?  What are our goals for the children we care for and for our forever children?  What do the children in our care NEED from us?  Most importantly, what does God want us to achieve through our ministry?  Let's get back to putting Him at the center.  This will be a multi part series as my husband and I discuss these questions and come up with answers that fit our family. 

A friend sent this to me today and I thought I'd share... It is truly wonderful and I'm sure we will be referring back to it as we work these goals out for our family -

21 Foster Parenting Truths As Seen By a Veteran Foster Parent


From Keith Thompson:

My wife and I have been doing foster care for 17 years. Along the way, we've learned a few things that seem to be givens when working for our children.

1. Love may not be enough, but when you add unlimited patience and a sense of humor, you can usually get through.

2. Things go best when you go by the book - but you have to be using the right book!

3. Having a spirit of contention accomplishes nothing - especially when you are trying to work with the "system".

4. You can't help every child, but you can still cry for them.

5. You can't help every child, but you can still pray for them.

6. Some people know how to fix a broken child, and some people know how to fix a broken system - very few people have the time and talent fix both!

7. You can feel close to God when changing a diaper.

8. Foster Care is the worst paying job in the world.

9. Foster Care is the best paying job in the world.

10. Enjoy the good days when they come - on the bad days, find someone to serve.

11. Kids who've had it rough in life need good, strong parenting.

12. Kids who've had it rough in life need someone to serve them.

13. Knowing when to be a parent, and when to be a servant brings the greatest joy and success.

This is the one I'm most partial to:

14. Abused kids are used to being yelled at - try using funny voices instead!

15. Never let a child go to bed without a "tuck-in".

16. A 10 year old who's never been allowed to be a 10 year old, will not become a 10 year old upon arrival in your home - pick your battles and conquer one behavior at a time.

17. ALWAYS expect that the children will not resemble their "resumes".

18. Children are more important than furniture.

19. Work as if everything depends on you - Pray as if everything depends on the Lord!

20. The greatest lesson the Lord has ever taught me about fostering children came during a church meeting one Sunday. Our newly arrived, nine year old foster son came in during the meeting and asked me to tie his shoes. My first thought was to scold him for not being able to tie the shoes himself. My next thought was to kneel down and tie them for him. My final thought was - I am kneeling at the feet of the Savior!

21. And since I have still not learned everything, my most recent lesson comes from someone I only recently met. When we ask ourselves why a child had to be born to such an abusive parent, remember that the birth of a child is the keeping of a promise made in heaven.

Is it summer yet?

I know much of the country is still getting snow, however here in Texas we are having the most beautiful weather!  (I promise I'll try not to rub that in too much)  Every day the girls go play outside for hours!  I love having a large backyard for them to play in.  Our patio and backyard are probably my favorite parts of our house.  I love that the kids have a great place to play.  Last summer was our first summer in this house and the first summer we had a backyard for them to play in since we moved to Texas. 

When we bought the house the previous owners left this awesome castle/slide toy and last year for the girls birthdays we bought them a play house.  I'm thinking though I'd really love for them to have a swing set!  One of those nice wood ones with the play house, slide, swings, teeter totter, etc.  I think they'd love it!  I was looking at some wood swing sets online today and dreaming.  We may have to budget one in for next summer!

One thing my girls really love about summer but I'm not overly thrilled about is sidewalk chalk.  I used to love to chalk with my sister Bret when she was little.  I'm not overly thrilled with how much of it gets on my kids clothes though!!  You almost need to take a hose to them before they even come back inside the house. 

We're also huge bubble fans, but again, it can get sort of messy.  I guess summer is just a messy season, drippy ice cream cones, chalk, bubbles, etc.  Luckily a run through the sprinklers can wash that right off!  (I even bought the first bathing suit of the season today for Baby Cakes. It is SO cute, full of ruffles. I can't wait to see her running through the sprinklers in it!)

I'm also looking forward to planting my garden.  Each year I want to order good seeds but end up just getting them at a local store.  We had a bumper crop of tomatoes last year and I am hoping for at least that many, maybe more, this year!  I don't think we're going to do green beans again, but maybe some squash and I may try some lettuce this year. 

What are your kids favorite summer activities?  What are you looking forward to?

(*This post is being sponsored by CSN and their family of fabulous online stores. Click the link to check out one of their high quality online stores.)

Hole in the Wall

Running in socks + linoleum = slight disaster.

OOPS!

I didn't want to wait until the hubby got home Friday to fix it, so decided to run to Hobby Lobby and get something to cover it up.  I was a little nervous, I've never hung anything that required 2 nails before.  So I got some little page tabs to mark where the nail hangers were and went to it.

Viola!

(Got it on only my 2nd try!!  So there is now a large hole and 4 nail holes in the wall.  Two of the nail holes have nails in them at least!)