A Refreshed Spirit

Sometimes it's hard to remember that fostering is our Mission Field.  Tony still has a job, we still have Wal-Mart down the street, we're not in a foreign land.  I often wonder - Do missionaries get worn out?  Do they ever wonder why they are doing this?  If they don't see the fruits of their ministry first hand does it get discouraging?  Lately I have been discouraged.  I have been tired.  It's not because I have 4 toddlers and a tween.  It's a bone deep tired.  I know I am making a difference, but often it feels like I'm just walking on a treadmill - walking endlessly but never really going anywhere.  Am I making a difference for these kids?  Do I have enough patience?  Are they getting enough love?  Is my heart really in this?  Why is it such a big deal that I don't feel appreciated, I shouldn't need that, should I?  I'm supposed to be serving.  Why do I always feel so isolated?

It usually seems that I am always feeling this way right before God has something amazing in store.  This weekend we attended the Tapestry Conference at Irving Bible Church (IBC) in Irving, Texas.  It really was so refreshing.  The keynote speaker was Sherrie Eldridge, adoptee and author of 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew, as well as a few other books.  I won't say that we learned loads this weekend, but to have the things you know in your heart about your family affirmed by experts in the field, as well as hundreds of other families just like yours... I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful that is!  For example, one breakout session was about the difference between parenting adopted and biological children.  First, it's nice to see in print that there is a difference.  Many people who haven't ever adopted just do not understand this, not to mention the other adoptive parents who try to ignore it.  But what struck me was the pile of books the speaker had up on the table.  She said that she did not bring this pile of books to suggest we read them, but rather to show us what her nightstand looks like!  I wanted to run up and hug her!  My nightstand looks the same way!  I'm half way through any number of books on adoption, attachment, difficult children, nurturing, parenting, etc. on a regular basis.  I'm not making a mountain out of my child's issues, I am finding resources and building my knowledge base so that I can help her the best I possibly can.  Why wouldn't I want to learn as much as I can so that I can equip my child?!  Praise God that I am not alone in this.

Another thing that was affirmed that we knew was that we do not have to give up our structure.  My home is very structured.  It wasn't always this way.  When our Mini Jedi was young we did not have a routine..  We had fun, we did what we wanted, went where we wanted, when we wanted to.  When we went through foster parent training they really stressed the need for structure in the home and we took it to heart.  Children who come from a background of chaos (bad chaos) need structure in order to know what to expect.  If they don't know what to expect they can't build trust.  Traditional families don't necessarily need this as much as we do!  We sometimes have a hard time balancing that structure with nurture though.  We're so used to our structure now that we depend on it.  I didn't really ever want my family to be that way, but it is needed.  Many people think that in order to nurture your children properly you need to let go of some of that structure.  How completely refreshing to me to hear that this is just so not the case.  Structure is needed along side nurture in order to help our children, but they must be equal.  You don't lower the structure, you raise the nurture, then you actually raise both even more.  Now, with this understanding and the tools to live it out we also see how we need to grow.  But that is refreshing too.  Who doesn't want to be a better parent?  Who doesn't like to grow?  I want to be the best possible parent to my children.  I want to provide them with life skills, AND to love on them and have that love returned.  I don't expect to be their best friend, but I can still get us to a place where we enjoy one another and not give up the structure I know we need.

And lastly, this conference really affirmed the passion I have in my heart for adoption and fostering.  This is where my heart is.  Not just one aspect of it, all of it.  I have a heart for these birth mothers, for the children, for the foster parents, for the adoptive parents.  I have felt a calling for awhile to be more involved in the process.  I would love to mentor mothers who have had their children taken, I would love to help families who are just starting the process.  I want to mentor teen moms.  I would love to see a ministry like Tapestry come to our town.  I desire to see all these people come together and support one another, to help break down the walls between different agencies and the stereotypes that are associated with foster parenting and adoption.  We went to a great breakout session that talked about starting a ministry in our own church.  I hope to talk to our pastor about it soon.  I know our church, which is full of adoptive parents and foster parents, would benefit from a ministry like this. 

All in all, I am refreshed and ready to keep going.  Not all my issues are swept away, however, I hope that the things that have been discouraging me will be resolved by this refreshed mind and spirit, or that I will be able to deal with them in a healthier way.  This is never going to be easy, but I can still keep it positive.

Pieces of my heart...

"Making the decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."


-- Elizabeth Stone
 
I remember the first time I saw this quote I thought "wow, that is so true".  This week for me has been very difficult.  We're gearing up for Uh Oh and Little Man to go to a new home.  I was ok with this because I knew the plan and thought it was so exiting for them.  However, after a phone call yesterday the plan is now completely different and I just don't agree with it. 
 
How do you parent like that?  For the traditional family you parent your children, you know them, you and your spouse are the ones that make the major decisions for their life until they are at least 16 or able to completely rebel against you.  Imagine loving a child but not being allowed to make the major decisions.  Or really any decisions without first consulting someone who doesn't even know the child. 
 
I know that's what foster parenting comes with, and I am usually fine with it.  I did not go into fostering under false pretenses.  I knew it would be hard.  I knew we would have no say.  I knew some of the rules were ridiculous and dumb.  Whatever!  I'm fine with that.  The important part is having a safe home for the kids we are entrusted with.  Nothing else really matters, not even my heart break when they leave.  God deals with that part for me. 
 
I woke up this morning and realized I need to let God deal with this part too... the part where I am not happy with the plan the judge has decided is best for my children.  We've slowly come to terms with the fact that once our foster children leave our home we will probably never see them again.  Out of all our children, other than the girls we adopted, I've seen one child, one time.  It is so hard to trust once they leave that they are being well cared for!  (I've had two go to adoptive homes, I didn't worry about them of course).  Foster parenting goes against everything that's natural as a parent.... you don't make the decisions, you know the child best but don't get to determine what's best for the child. 
 
Choosing to foster children was not only choosing to have my heart walk around outside my body, but to say goodbye to that part of my heart and possibly never see it again.  It was to chose to allow parts of my heart to spread out in all different directions.  I am thankful that God is the restorer of hearts and He will make sure mine always has more to give.... but it's not even a little bit easy.

What to Blog about?

So the last few weeks have had some major ups and downs for us.  Life is great, Tony is as amazing as ever, the kids are good, however incidents happen that leave our moods not as great as we'd like.  I guess mostly it's stress.... and when I'm stressed out there doesn't really seem to be a whole lot to write about.  I do have a few drafts waiting to be completed.  So I figured I'd ask my readers - When you are stressed or going through hard times what do you blog about?  I really try to keep the blog upbeat and not moan or complain.  Some of our stuff is laughable and can be put into a blog, but some is highly personal and not even shared with most friends.  So if you blog, or read many blogs, what are your thoughts on this?